Ok so tonight I went out and for the first time didn’t have to talk about Joshua. Ryan and I met up and walked around for a few hours and got food. He didn’t pry about why I was home and waited till I brought it up. He asked how Joshua was and when I said “I wouldn’t know” didn’t push it. It was nice to have a totally worry free night. We went to his house and looked at his artwork and watched silly youtube videos. I liked that I could just be ok for once. I didn’t get sad, not for even a minute. I had fun and smiled and laughed the whole night. 

For the first night in awhile I didn’t think about Josh. I could breathe and relax and he wasn’t on my mind. I don’t really know if I’m feeling better because I’m letting go or if it’s because this is the first night I wasn’t interrogated. Either way, I’m better and that’s what matters. 

It’s hard. I’m fighting every instinct in my body that says I shouldn’t be just forgetting about him. But this is what he wants to do so I’ll respect that. I’ll just get used to not needing him and I’ll get used to not having him as my best friend. I can do it. 

Came home for a bit, heading back out soon. I’m gonna see if I can keep not thinking about him. I got this.